Run Away

As a little boy I remember, and my parents remind me, that I wanted to run away from home.  I packed up everything I had (toys, candy, etc.) and grabbed my knee pads and skate board.  I wrote a note to my family telling them good bye and leaving certain treasures to my mom and sister.  Dad got nothing because I was made at him.  Then I did the unthinkable, when running away from home, I hand delivered the note to my father.  He read it, while I stood by his bed, and then proceeded to ask me where I was going.  I told him that I didn't know but that I wanted to be away from him.  He offered to take me to Grandma's or to my friend's house.  I refused.  After his many offers of rides to places, I decided to stay because I couldn't get rid of him.

Looking back now, I am thankful for the presence of my Dad.  He wasn't going to leave me or just let me leave his presence.  I didn't really like him at that point, but I was glad that he was with me.

This morning I was thinking about yesterday's reading from Romans 8 and had a new insight into Psalms 139.  Have you ever had one of those days like I describe above, but it was more with God.  Things in life aren't going according to the plan that you thought or you are getting tired of getting kicked in the gut.  So, you go to God and tell Him that you are tired of it all.  You are tired of trying to live life according to His plan.  You tell him that it is time for Him to step in and help out.  Maybe, you haven't, but you will one day.

Check this out this passage from Psalms 139.1-12 (MSG):

God, investigate my life; got all the facts firsthand.  I'm an open book to you; even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.

 I've been at that distance from God.  It is me who moved.  I didn't want to be in His presence because I didn't like how things were going.  I was tired of hearing people tell me that "God has something special for you".  The Christian-eeze was just way too much for, but the cool thing--God knew what I was thinking even in those moments.

You know when I leave and when I get back; I'm never out of your sight.  You know everything I'm going to say before I start the first sentence.  I look behind me and you're there, then up ahead and you're there, too--your reassuring presence, coming and going.  This is too much, too wonderful--I can't take it all in!

This too much for me.  God is with me everywhere.  No matter where I turn, even if it is away from Him, He is still there.  If I tell God to stay because I don't like Him (like I did my dad that night), He is still there when I turn around to walk away (like my dad was when I turned to walk away).

This kind of love is too much for me!  It is too wonderful!  I can't even begin to fathom this!  But wait, there is more!!!

Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit? to be out of your sight?

I know that I've asked that question and even tried this with God.  I don't want like how things are going or what You are doing--or what You aren't doing--I don't like You.  Where can I go to get away from You?

If I climb to the sky, you're there!  If I go underground, you're there!  If I flew on morning's wings to the far western horizon, You'd find me in a minute--you're already there waiting!

Did you catch that?  He is already there waiting for us.  Where we think that we can escape Him, He is already there waiting for us--waiting for us.  Really?!?  Why?  Because of love--because He is love!

Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!  At night I'm immersed in the light!"  It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;  night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.

The darkest moments of my life--the nights that lay awake and worry.  The days that I can't focus. The times where I feel that I can't go on.  Those moments are as light to God.  What a message of hope!

This week I had some pretty dark moments.  I was pretty upset with God.  I was ready to throw in the towel and walk away.  But God didn't let me.  He never left me.  I am grateful for His presence.

Thanks Dad for teaching me this lesson as a boy.  Thanks Daddy (Abba) for continuing to teach me this lesson as a man.

Your thoughts--how rare, how beautiful!  God, I'll never comprehend them!  I couldn't even begin to count them--any more that I could count the sand of the sea.  Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you! (Psalms 139.17-18 MSG)

Prayer:
Thank you Lord, for never leaving me.  Thank you for being with me in my darkest moments.  Thank you for being with me even when I don't want to be with You.  Thank you for Your word and the truth they remind my heart of.  Thank you for showing Yourself to me today.  May I rise this morning and from this present darkness in my life and live always with You.  Amen.

Separation Anxiety

"I don't feel loved!"
"I don't deserve to be loved!"
"Why would anyone love me?"

These are questions that race through my mind in moments like these.  I don't understand why anyone, especially God, would love me.  With the day that I had yesterday, and then looking back over the past 12 years, I see many failures and mess-ups.  I see many things that I wish I could go back and redo.  Remember having do-overs in elementary school PE?  Those were so great.  When you messed up  you could scream "DO OVER!!!!" and every one reset and you could try again.

The stress and pressures of life, marriage, parenting, finances, professional, and personal are overwhelming.  As a Christian, we think that we are supposed to be immune to these things, at least I do.  I have a mixed up perception of what life as a follower of Christ should be.  As a father I want the best for my girls.  I want them to have everything they need and most of what they want.  I then think that as God's child it entitles me to have all of my wants and most of needs.  When in reality what really matters?

Coming home after a long day and having my family come running to me, Jen included, screaming, "DADDY!!!" and throwing their arms around and kissing me - this is what I live for.  Life seems to come into focus better when we realize that we are loved.  Check out this passage that was next in line for reading today.  It is taken from Romans 8.31-39 (MSG):

So, what do you think?  With God on our side like this, how can we lose?  If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us?

Did you catch that?  "...gladly and freely..."  God will gladly and freely do anything for us.  Just look at His track record.  When has He failed you in the past?  I know that we think that He has failed us, but really?  Take a long hard look.  Has God ever let you down?  He might have answered it differently than you thought.  He might have taken a bit longer to answer than you thought, or really wanted.  But has He ever let you down?

And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen?  Who would dare even point a finger?

Take a break and notice this.  Who are they messing with?  God!  People knew growing up not to mess with my sister because, "That is Ryan's sister.  Don't mess with her."  I wasn't a bully but I was 6' 1" in the 9th grade, and she was only in the 4th grade at that time.  God is the same way.  He is our defender.  Thank you Lord.

The One who died for us--who was raised to life for us!--is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us.  Do you think that anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us?  There is no way!  Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

Look back at yesterday's scripture: He (the Holy Spirit) keeps us present before God.  Now today we see that Christ is in the presence of God, the Father, sticking up for us.  He is our BIG Brother.  He is effectively intervening on our behalf.

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us.  I'm absolutely convinced that nothing--nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable--absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

What a great passage!  Nothing will shut God's love off to us.  Even we feel unlovable or unloved, God hasn't stopped loving us.  We might have something in the way of our experiencing it or living in it, but God hasn't stopped loving. I am thankful that in my time of feeling unlovable, I can know that I am loved.  In the moments when I choose to not live according to the truth of God's love, I am still loved.

An old counselor of ours had this quote on his desk:

"Truth is what God says no matter how I feel."

Thank God for this truth today.

Lord, right now I don't feel Your love.  I doubt that You are even for me at times.  Please break through my wall of defenses.  Please flood my heart, mind and life with the truth of Your word.  Thank You for continually pursuing me with Your love.  I am glad that Your love isn't dependent on my feelings or actions.  Reveal Your love to me today in a real way--a way that I can't explain but You.  Thank you for Your love.  Amen!

PS. I would love to know how is keeping up and what you think.  Please leave me comments if you want to hear a certain topic or anything.

Joyful anticipation or Frustrated exhaustion

"I am so tired of this.  How long must we wait?"  This is the sentiment that comes too frequently to my own mind and heart.  The apostle Paul, I'm sure, felt the same way.  I know that the church in Rome felt that way.  Paul wrote about these feelings for frustration and exhaustion in Romans 8.18-28.

We are desperately waiting - waiting for something more.  We long for something better.  We know that things aren't the way that they should be.  We know that we aren't the way we should be.  Check out this passage:

That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times.  The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next.  Everything in creation is being more or less held back.  God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead.  Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

"Joyful anticipation"?  Really?  I know that I was joyfully anticipating the birth of my two daughters.  The wait was tiresome at times.  I remember that the closer we got to the 40 weeks the more we were ready to have them here.  But the anticipation of this broken world being made complete is, many times, anything but joyful.  It is sometimes the most painful experience of life.

We live in a broken and fallen world.  The problem is that we expect things to be different, but when we get kicked in the teeth or punched in the gut by reality, we remember that we are broken, those around us are broken, and the world is broken.  We aren't who we were created to be.  This isn't the way that God planned it all to go.  Check out how it continues:

All around us we observe a pregnant creation.  The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs.  But it's not only around us; it's within us.

Did you catch that?  It's not only around us; it's within us.  Within us!

The Spirit of God is arousing us within.  We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance.  That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother.  We are enlarged in the waiting.  We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us.  But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

There is that phrase again, "the more joyful our expectancy."  What the heck?  Really?  Was Job joyful in his expectancy?  Was Joseph joyful in his anticipation of his dream?  Was Jesus joyful in His expectancy of resurrection?  Was Peter joyful in his expectancy of "on this rock I will build my church"?  We are human and many times we put on ourselves these expectations of being Super Human.  We want to be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.  We want to be more powerful than a speeding locomotive.  We want to be faster than a speeding bullet.  But we aren't.  We are human.  We are broken!

The next verses of this passage are where I find myself most days.  It is where hope is restored when I have no hope.  When I find myself at the bottom of a dark cistern I know that my disappointment and frustration is being communicated to God by God.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along.  If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter.  He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans.  He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God.  That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

This is where I find myself more often than not - wordless sighs and aching groans.  Frustration at every turn.  Moments, brief as they are, of relief, but mostly struggle after struggle.  I know that I am saved and that I have the Holy Spirit living in me.  I know that God loves me, but the reality of life is very contrary to that knowledge.  I hope that the Holy Spirit is keeping me present before God because I'm not sure that at times I want to be, or even deserve, in His presence.


If you feel this way, join me in voicing this prayer.  It's okay to let your heart cry and your eyes weep.  It's okay to let your heart break for the desire of our God.  It's to not be Super Human.  Just be real before God and He will be real before you.

-Prayer-
God, I can't do this any more.  I have been trying to live for You, but I have failed at every turn.  I come and bring my broken life and broken hopes and broken dreams to You.  I am not who I, much You, want me to be.  I am tired and frustrated.  I am need of rest.  You say in Your Word, "Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest."  I am in desperate need of rest and hope.  I need Your hope.  Scratch that request.  I need You in my life.  I need You to reveal Yourself in a real way in my life.  I NEED YOU!!!